3 Bad Habits That Are Keeping You From Living The Life of Your Dreams
The Amplified Impact Podcast
May 15th, 2023
In this episode, I’ll be sharing three habits that I battle against in my own life and how you can overcome them too.
First up, falling into the comparison trap. This is the number one habit I would remove from your life if I could.
We all fall into this trap….comparing ourselves to others and feeling discontent with where we are.
The gap between where you are and where you want to be is always infinite, so you’ll never close it.
But the truth is, if you focus on where you came from and where you are now, you’ll realize that you’re doing pretty well.
The second habit is negative self-talk. We all have that voice inside our heads that tells us we’re not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough.
But guess what? That voice is lying to you! It’s time to interrupt that pattern…you are capable of achieving great things, so start believing it.
Last but not least, the third one is procrastination which leads to a lot of stress and anxiety. We’ve all been there, putting off tasks until the last minute. Instead, break tasks down into small, manageable steps and tackle them one by one.
Let’s start recognizing these patterns and make positive changes in our lives.
TWEETABLE QUOTE:
“Actions that remove are more robust than those that add because addition may have unseen complicated feedback loops.” – Anthony Vicino
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Episode Transcript:
Anthony Vicino [00:00:00]:
What’s up, everybody? Welcome back to the podcast. I want to I want to share with you a book I stumbled upon a couple of years ago. It was a book that was written by a guy who might be just one of the most arrogant and abrasive and in his own words, like a complete asshole. He’s one of the most abrasive people you’ll find on the Internet. While reading the book a couple of times, I thought, Why am I reading this? I wanted to put it down like it he’s the type of guy that you don’t necessarily want to support because he’s kind of a dick and how he presents things. But the truth of the matter is, this might have been just one of the best books I’ve ever read. Not only is it one of the best books I’ve ever read, but it taught me a framework that really truthfully transformed how I move through the world, how I tackle problems, and how I think about building the life of my dreams. So that book is called Antifragile, and it was written by Nicholas Naseem Tleb.
Anthony Vicino [00:01:05]:
And here’s the thing. Teleb might be my favorite author. I’ve read all his books. He’s got five or six of them out there. He’s written things like The Black Swan, Fooled by Randomness Skin in the Game, and then this book, Antifragile an Antifragile might be my favorite of all the books that he’s written, but I think they’re all incredibly valuable, and I recommend them to everybody to go out there and pick up. But in Antifragile, Naseem shares the framework called Viennegativa. And this is the framework that I want to discuss with you guys. I want to share because you probably maybe heard me mention it before, but it’s such a powerful way of thinking about things.
Anthony Vicino [00:01:48]:
So here’s the technical definition of Via negativa. It is a way of describing something by saying what it is not. So instead of saying, if you can’t define what the color blue is, you can at least tell me what it is not. It is not the color orange. It is not a bottle. It is not a mouse. It is not a camera. It is not the Internet.
Anthony Vicino [00:02:12]:
Like, you can tell me what it is not much easier than you can tell me what it is. Right? Go ahead and try and describe blue to me real quickly. Very difficult. But go ahead and try and describe to me what blue is not. That’s very easy. And in a lot of areas of our life, it’s often easier to point out how not to do something than it is to point out how to do something in order to achieve success. And this kind of stems from another way of thinking which you’ve heard me talk about from Charlie Munger’s mental models. This one being invert always invert, which is when you have a problem, like a math problem or just a problem in general, instead of looking at it just through the one lens, let’s try and take the problem invert it, turn it upside down and look at it from the other side.
Anthony Vicino [00:02:57]:
Which is really just another way of saying let’s look at what it is not. And so here’s what Nicholas actually here’s what Tilleb says from his words, from his book the principle that we know what is wrong with more clarity than what is right in that knowledge grows by subtraction much faster and better than by addition. That’s really interesting, that last part, because he says this. Next he says, Actions that remove are more robust than those that add because addition may have unseen complicated feedback loops. That’s fascinating. Actions that remove are more robust than those that add because addition may have unseen complicated feedback loops. Now, let’s think about that, because a lot of times when we’re moving towards a goal, if we want to build a business, we want to have a healthier life, we want to have better relationships, we often look and say, like, what do I need to add to the equation? What’s currently not there that I need to keep and I need to start doing? This is why we go to Internet. We’re like, hey, Anthony, what are the six habits of a millionaire? Or what are the six skills that I need to learn? Like these gaps from where I am to where I need to get what do I need to add to fill the hole? What Tleb proposes, and I think there’s a lot of truth in that.
Anthony Vicino [00:04:14]:
This idea is that instead of trying to add things, quite often the solution is to remove things to subtract. And by subtracting things from our life, we are actually adding and we are gaining better momentum, forward progress. And you’ve heard me talk about this through the lens of essentialism or Marcus Aurelius’s idea of doing less but better. We remove the clutter. We focus on the things that are important, and we do those to the utmost of our ability, and we tend to get better results as a consequence. So if we grow better through subtraction because when we add these things, it adds complexity to our lives, when it’s like, oh, I need to start going for a run three days a week, and that means I need to get some new shoes and some running gear and all this stuff, right? If you want to get healthy, maybe step one is just to start removing certain things from your life rather than adding in all that physical exercise. One of the things that you might remove from your life is, what if you got rid of your couches and your chairs? This is an extreme example. Force yourself to stand.
Anthony Vicino [00:05:24]:
What if you got a standing desk, which force yourself I’m standing right now, so this is very convenient for me. And you force yourself to stand throughout the day, right? So by removing, we can actually make better progress. Anyways, that’s not a terribly great example, but what I do want to share here are three bad habits that are worth removing from our lives. If you have any ambition of creating the life of your dreams, of living the life that you want. Now, these are not going to be revolutionary, but I think these are things that are always worth keeping at the forefront of our minds. Because these three habits, in my experience, have a way of just they just keep creeping back in. They’re like a hydra. Every time you slice one head off, they show back up.
Anthony Vicino [00:06:07]:
For me. These are three of the habits that I have to wage battle against most frequently in my own life. So number one is falling into the comparison trap. This is the number one habit I would remove from your life if I could. Because it is in the comparison between where I am and where I think I should be that creates all the dissonance in my life. Think about that. The gap between where you are and where you want to be. Those are expectations.
Anthony Vicino [00:06:39]:
And in those expectations are unmet dreams and goals. And it’s because you’re fixated on that gap between where you are and where you could be. Those expectations, that comparison of yourself and your future self, that you are discontent with where you are. But if you were to invert that and you were to say, okay, well, here I am, but look at where I came from, right? Depending on where and who you compare yourself to, you are doing very well. But we don’t tend to focus on that. We don’t tend to fixate on that side of the equation. So when it comes to falling into the comparison trap, what we typically do is we fixate on where we are not as a result of where we want to be. Like, I want to be there and I’m not.
Anthony Vicino [00:07:28]:
Or I see Susie over there and she’s crushing it and I see her instagram and it bothers me because I want to have all the things that she has and she’s crushing it and I’m over here and it sucks, right? We all fall into that trap. And I did another podcast on this where one of the easiest ways to manifest more gratitude in your own life is to fixate on the gap between where you came from and where you are currently, not the gap between where you are and where you’re going. Because that gap is always infinite, right? You will never close it because we’re always moving the goal post on ourselves. So even as you move closer to where Susie is, maybe you replace Susie as the avatar of who you’re comparing yourself now. It’s Julia. Goddamn Julia. She’s crushing it now, right? So we just keep moving the goalposts on ourselves. So if we fall into that trap of always comparing ourselves then we’re never going to realize our goal.
Anthony Vicino [00:08:21]:
We’re never going to get to there. We’re always going to be found wanting. As a result, we’re always going to feel frustration and discontent and anxiety and all these negative emotions. And for myself, truthfully, I go through this being a creator on social media as an entrepreneur and like seeing other people build awesome businesses, I go through this as well. This is a battle that I have to wage very consistently. But it’s hard because we are such social creatures and there is this desire in the hierarchy of the tribe to be moving up. But the status game of who’s number one, who’s number two, that’s a finite game. There can only be one number two, there can only be one number three.
Anthony Vicino [00:09:04]:
And so as a result of playing that game, you’re always found wanting unless you’re at the very top of the totem pole. And the truth is only one person gets to be up there. And so it’s a very easy way to set yourself up for a life of dissatisfaction if you’re playing that status game, that hierarchical game of who’s doing better than who. Now, I don’t have any advice currently in this podcast on how to not fall into the comparison trap. You can talk about it, can point to it. And I think a lot of times the solution, the first step in solving the problem of the comparison game is to recognize that you’re doing it and then to try to break the pattern, break the loop. Because a lot of times this is just so ingrained inside of us that we do it subconsciously without even becoming aware. So let’s start there, just becoming aware.
Anthony Vicino [00:09:58]:
The second habit is negative self talk. And this is another one that just creating the pattern interrupt is so vital. But let’s get to that in just a second. Everybody has a voice inside of them that they’re just constantly yammering away in the back of your head. And chances are for most of you and myself included in that, that voice says a lot of negative things. It’s telling you that you are stupid or that they’re going to think you’re stupid, or that your opinion isn’t valid or that the thing that you created is stupid and that you’ll never amount to anything and that maybe your dad was right all those years ago and all that stuff, right? So that critical voice in the back of our head, it festers and it creates self doubt, insecurities feelings of unworthiness. And most people just go through their entire life thinking that that’s normal, that’s just what it is. They think that voice in their head is actually their voice.
Anthony Vicino [00:10:59]:
And the truth is, no child Left to their own devices thinks that they suck. They don’t have these negative voices. The voice that you hear sprouting all sorts of negativity about who you are and what you’re capable of. That’s probably a voice that was introduced into you from somebody else, might be from a loved one, might be from a parent, might be from a friend. It could be from a teacher, could just be from society at large. But the truth is, that’s not your voice. That’s not you. It’s just a voice in your head.
Anthony Vicino [00:11:30]:
And maybe the most important thing that you can maybe take away from this is just to realize that you have control over what that voice says. You can control the narrative inside your own head. And I think a lot of people find that deeply unsettling because it puts the onus the accountability, the responsibility on you to be able to say that thing that’s happening inside your head. Those voices that are going through, you can change that. But it can only be you. I can’t do that for you. I can introduce a little bit of external validation. I can put a couple of drops in the bucket and say, like, you’re a great person.
Anthony Vicino [00:12:05]:
You’re doing awesome. I can give you that validation. That positive reinforcement. But if you’re seeking that from me, as many people do when it comes to social media, I’m looking for that. Like I’m looking for those comments because that’s external validation. That what I’m doing is worthy. The problem with that is as soon as those likes turn to thumbs down or those comments turn toxic or people just aren’t watching, then your whole self worth is tied up inside of that thing, and it just reinforces what the negative voice inside your head was already saying. Now, I think one of the greatest tragedies of our modern society is the fact that it’s okay to be your own biggest critic, but people look at you strangely if you were to tell them that you’re your own biggest cheerleader.
Anthony Vicino [00:12:57]:
It’s so much more acceptable just to be negative towards ourselves and tear ourselves down than it is to be our cheerleader and build ourselves up. If you do that in a public way, people start to think you’re arrogant or conceited or cocky. And the truth is, if you don’t love yourself, then why should anybody else, right? If you don’t love yourself, why should anybody else? So you should be your biggest fan. You should love yourself. Secondly, fuck everybody else. Fuck what they think. Because in a very real way, your thoughts become your actions and your actions become your results. And so if you are letting negative thoughts fester inside of you, those are going to lead to negative actions and negative results as a result.
Anthony Vicino [00:13:40]:
So it doesn’t even matter what people think in this grand scheme because it’s your life, it’s your mind, it’s your narrative. And so here’s a couple ways that I found very, very helpful. Three ways, in fact, to help overcome that negative self talk, because it is pervasive and it’s a hard battle to win. But first, is practicing mindfulness just a way of breaking the pattern. Right? We have to become aware that we are in the cycle of negative self talk and that we have the ability to change it. So step one is just practicing mindfulness. I think meditating and journaling are great ways of tapping in and looking introspectively at ourselves and the thoughts that are cycling through our heads so that we can lead. The step two or the third or the second way of overcoming negative self talk is just to challenge those thoughts is, instead of accepting them at face value, pause.
Anthony Vicino [00:14:39]:
And then question the assumptions that are cycling through your mind and ask yourself, is this substantiated? Is there truth in this? Or is this just some narrative that is being concocted with no evidence to prove it one way or the other? And so what you want to do is you want to start to challenge your thoughts and say, like, if your thoughts are saying you suck, you can’t do this. You start to find evidence from your past that contradicts, that refutes that voice, and you say, Fuck you. Look at my past. You tell me I can’t do this, but look what I did over here. I did this, I did this, I did this. Those were hard things. This is a hard thing. I can do it.
Anthony Vicino [00:15:16]:
I’m the type of person that does hard things. So that’s the second way that we overcome the negative self talk, is to challenge our thoughts. And then third, this is maybe one of the the most powerful one, is just surround yourself with more positivity. You’ve heard it said so many times that it’s just a cliche. It probably just falls on deaf ears at this point. But you are the average of the five people you associate with the most. So if you hang out with five Negative Nancy’s, then you’re going to become the six. But if you hang out with five positive Pollyannas I don’t know any Pollyannas.
Anthony Vicino [00:15:48]:
I don’t know if I know any Nancy’s either, actually. Anyways, if you hang out with positive people, then their positivity starts to become your positivity. So I think one of the quickest, easiest ways to become just generally a more positive person, hang out with better people, more positive, happy, grateful people. And that might mean that you need to cut some of the Negative Nancy’s out of your life to make room for those Positive Pollyannas to step in. Which leads conveniently into the third bad habit that keeps you from living the life you want, which is neglecting self care. And so that whole cutting certain toxic people out of your life to make room for the positive people to step in, that’s a form of self care. That’s a way of prioritizing yourself and putting your needs before the needs of familial obligations, perhaps. Right? One of the best decisions I ever made was about a decade ago, I cut a couple of family members out of my life who were just incredibly toxic and draining.
Anthony Vicino [00:16:47]:
And every time I was with them, I felt like a bad person. I felt less than. It was a very hard decision to make to cut them out of my life because you’re told they’re your family and that family is everything and that family comes first. And if you buy into that narrative then you’re just kind of stuck with these negative people. But the truth is it’s much easier for them to tear you down than it is for you to build them up to a place where you can see the world on level playing field. And these people were tearing me down so consistently that I didn’t like how I felt, I didn’t like who I was. The identity that I had for myself was tied up into a lot of their opinions of me. And so that was a form of self care.
Anthony Vicino [00:17:29]:
Three other forms of self care and we’ve talked about these in previous podcast episodes are what are called the three levers of energy which is your sleep, your nutrition, your movement, your exercise, you’re working out, right? These are the three things that if you are not prioritizing and making space to work on these every day. Getting enough sleep every single day, getting the right nutrition every single day, getting and moving out your moving your body every single day. If you’re not doing these things, then your cup is slowly being drained. And my partner, Jamie, she is one of those people who will give every last ounce from her cup to you and then she’ll be left with nothing. And now we need to take care of her, right? Like we need to build her back up because now she’s drained. And on the one hand, these people who give and give, it’s an amazing ability. Nurses, teachers, like firefighters, people who just give and give and give for the sake of others. It’s fantastic.
Anthony Vicino [00:18:26]:
World needs that. However, it’s much more sustainable. It’s a better way of living if you pour from your overflowing cup, right? And that’s the way that we all become bountiful and abundant. And the only way that you’re going to have a full cup is if you prioritize your self care, your sleeping, your nutrition, your movement. And I know that’s so much easier said than done because there are so many things in life that will insert themselves and get in the way. But I promise you that if you were to prioritize yourself and take care of yourself as though you were somebody that you were accountable for because you are, think about the lengths that you’re willing to go for your dog or for your kids or for your partner or for whoever is in your life. We’re often like so much more willing to work harder for those people than we are to work for ourselves. And so if you need the permission, I just want you to know that you have it.
Anthony Vicino [00:19:28]:
You have my permission to go and prioritize and put yourself first so you can fill your cup and then from that overflowing bounty, fill other people’s cup. I don’t know if you need my permission. A lot of people, I think they need somebody’s permission because they don’t feel confident in giving it to themselves. So if you’re one of those people, just know you have my blessing. Go fill your cup. And there you have it, people. Those are three bad habits that are keeping you from having the life that you want. We arrived at these through the teleb framework of Via Negativa.
Anthony Vicino [00:20:01]:
I highly recommend you go check out the book Antifragile if you got some value out of this. Actually, if you know somebody who is performing one of these bad habits on a daily basis and who would benefit from cutting these things out of their life, share this podcast with them if you think they would get some benefit out of it. Truly, it might have the ability to change somebody’s life. You just never know. So I appreciate you guys being here. I’m looking forward to seeing you back here bright and early tomorrow. Until then, stay hyper focused, my friend.
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