Time Heist for $.99!

Time Heist for $.99!

Yeah, you read that correctly. Consider it a little end of the year gift to help you along with your New Years Resolution to read more. Pop on over to Amazon and grab a copy of Time Heist for only $.99.

time heist

Click the photo! Stop arguing and do it!

Be quick about it though, this deals only good through tomorrow.


Got Some Writer’s Block? Eat More Fiber!

Got Some Writer’s Block? Eat More Fiber!

As suggested by the name of this blog, OneLazyRobot, I don’t like to work harder than the task at hand dictates. That doesn’t mean cutting corners or phoning it in, but it certainly means not making things any more difficult than they need to be. Efficiency above all else.

So, in the spirit of efficiency I’m going to answer two questions today.

How do you deal with writers block? robot with symbol How do you get inspired to write?

These questions are pretty similar so it seems silly not to just swing at both and see what sticks. So here we go, stand back, I’m swinging like a six-year old at a piñata.

First, let’s dispel two myths real friggin’ quick: writers block is what you make of it; you don’t need to be inspired to write.

Simple? Sure, but as Jim Butcher likes to point out, simple is not the same as easy. To steal another one of his analogies: Picking up a car engine is simple, but not easy.

Unless you’re loaded up on Soviet sponsored vitamins.

Wait, are you on the ‘roods? Better not be, there’s gonna be a pee test at the end of this rant.

Okay, focus. Not you, me.

Most often when people are talking about writers block they’re talking about that initial push for take-off. It’s that ten second countdown clicking off in the back of your skull while your palms sweat, and that blank page is staring at you like it’s going to rip out your jugular and wear it as a corset. (No, that doesn’t make sense, it’s called a mixed metaphor. I think. Why are you looking at me like that? You didn’t come here for writing advice… oh, you did? My bad.)

Starting can be hard for one of two reasons: Too many ideas/Not enough ideas.

If you have all these wild crazy ideas swirling around your old thinking muscle it can be hard figuring out where to begin. Which ideas are worth hanging your hat on, and which ones deserve to die horrible, preferably embarrassing, deaths.


I typically fall into this category of writer, ideas aren’t so tricky for me, it’s figuring out how they all work together to tell a cohesive story. I’m an advocate of writing an outline, but usually, even before that, I’ll just sit down at the blank page, grab one of those ideas, and start writing with no sense of direction or ending.

It’s free-writing, and getting over that first page hurdle is easy when you aren’t worried about where it’s all going, or if it’s going to be any good. Think of an engaging situation, throw a couple characters in there, and presto. Just start writing and see what starts to happen. I’ll usually do about 5,000 words of this, at which point my fingers are loose and I’m starting to evolve a rudimentary framework for my world/characters.

Then I stop. Once my fingers are flitting across the keyboard and the proverbial creative dams have been loosed, I’ll stop and write an outline. What? Why? Because by this point I’m excited on the story, doesn’t matter if it’s incoherent, the characters are dull, and the plot is nonexistent because what I’ve done is opened the door to my creativity.

Now I’m peaking inside a small, dusty room filled with unicorns and magic watching my imagination do it’s thing. It’s at this point I sit down and go hog-wild on an outline. I just keep asking the question What if? followed by And then what?


What if Mr. Baker comes home to discover his wife has run away.

And then what? Well, does Mr. Baker go find his wife, or does he say hallelujah, I was planning on running away myself, but now I’m going to sit on the couch and watch television. Either direction is fine, but always remember your story has to have tension, and you achieve that by making your main character miserable.

What if Mr. Baker goes to find his wife—he’s dedicated to the lady love of his life after all—only to discover she’s run off with the circus that blew through town after falling in love with the bearded woman.
Oof, poor Mr. Baker.

Conversely, what if Mr. Baker decides to say “Eh, fuck it.” And never even bothers looking for the Misses? Instead he pops a squat on the couch, has a couple beers, and watches some tele? Well, that’s not very exciting, but what if the police show up at Mr. Baker’s door a couple hours later saying they received some noise complaints in the form of a woman screaming. Well, that’s odd.. Mr. Baker was watching women’s tennis, but not that loudly.

And then what? So the police come inside, somehow discover the dead, hidden body of Mrs. Baker in the basement behind some dusty old golf clubs and decide to take Mr. Baker down to the precinct.

So now you have some intrigue: who killed Mrs. Baker; who phoned in the complaint; is somebody setting up Mr. Baker; is he suffering from some good old split-personality fun? It’s your story, you get to answer these questions however you want!

Are any of these stories any good?

fry idea

I don’t know, but that’s not the point at this stage of the game. The point is to get it down and flush down the icky parts later, while simultaneously sprucing up the lovely bits.

You do enough iterations of What if followed by And then what and eventually you got yourself a story.

Writers block never enters into the equation ‘cause all you’re doing is answering really simple questions. Now, that’s not to say you should go for the first idea that springs to mind, because those tend to be cliche and overdone. Instead, try writing down your top ten ideas. Throw out the weak ones, and hang onto the keepers, who knows, maybe you can tie them all into the same story (can you say plot twist? Of course you can, you have a very nice tongue).

Then again, don’t go all crazy Interstellar on us and start cramming things into your story that don’t really need to be there. Learn discretion, which is easier said than done, trust me. I’m a huge offender when it comes to this.

But hey, learn your weaknesss and move on.

Okay, hey you over there. Yeah, the guy claiming he has no ideas with which to work. No, not the guy who’s succumbed to the endless shaming inflicted by the blank page, (that guys crying in the corner wearing a pair of Walter White not so whitey—not so tighteys). If you don’t understand that reference, well… I probably can’t help you.

walter white

Anyways, for those of you thinking you need a great idea to run with before you embark down the maddening road labeled Writing A Book, you’re wrong.

You don’t need a great idea. Those two questions I gave you, What if followed by And then what will get you off the ground if you don’t self-sabotage yourself by second guessing every idea that flutters into your brainpan.

no ideas

Sometimes you got to roll around with a real turd of an idea for awhile. I’m not saying polishing a turd is gonna give you anything but a handful of poo, but (and I say this with a perfectly straight face) a page full of poo is better than a page full of nothing.

You have to have something work with, even if it really sucks. Which is okay, pretty much everybody’s stuff sucks right off the bat, that’s just sort of how writing works, unless you’re Dean Wesley Smith who might be a cyborg.

Now, do you remember that other question we asked earlier? How do you find inspiration to write, or some nonsense like that?

Writing is art, sure… but it’s also work.

You don’t wake up in the morning and ask yourself where you’re gonna find the inspiration to go to work, do you? No, you do it because hopefully you love it, but more than likely you’re infatuated with the idea of eating food that didn’t come out of the dumpster. You work because you have it.

Here’s a sad truth, nobody is going to make you write. Honestly, nobody cares. That’s a bummer because if you could find somebody to throw on some Dom outfit replete with knee high leather boots and a whip and force you to sit down at the keyboard, well that would both be hot, probably distracting, but better than the alternative.

The alternative is you. You’re the one dressed up in pleather with a ball and gag forcing yourself to—
No, we’re gonna walk away from this analogy, for your sake and mine.

Follow me over here, we’re going a safe distance from that other nonsense.

Okay, good. We’re in the clear. Now listen up little buddy, you want to write? I support that. Are there going to be days that you don’t want to write? Absolutely. Should you do it anyways?

Listen, this isn’t really a should you type scenario. You need to. If you aren’t writing, then I’m sorry, you are not a writer. It’s that simple, it truly is.

A woman told me the other day that she thought people could be writers without ever having actually written, and that confused me, but I live in Oakland and I’m used to people saying weird things I don’t understand. I don’t claim to be the smartest guy around (yes I do), and I acknowledge some things will go over my head, but all I have to say is…Really?

wait what?'

Wait, wait, wait…what?

Like, really?

Dreaming of writing does not make you a writer in the same way that dreaming you’re a playboy billionaire philanthropist does not make you Tony Stark (Ned Stark’s disenfranchised younger brother).

It seems to me the definition of a writer is a real easy one. One who writes. End of story. Do or do not, there is no crying in baseball. <—Holy god, did you see what I did there?

I don’t need inspiration to write. I only need a pen and paper; a computer; some blood and dried up hobo-skin; a bit of snow and a bunch of pee. Pretty much all I need is a way to transfer the thoughts from my head into a physical manifestation I can hang on the refrigerator alongside my macaroni portrait of Ghandi.

And guess what? That’s all you need, too.

So stop trying to vampire suck my inspiration, and go make your own.


Time Heist’s Dirty, Goopy Birth!

Time Heist’s Dirty, Goopy Birth!

I was over on Goodreads answering some questions about Time Heist’s genesis and thought I might as well share it with ya’ll.

By the way, if you haven’t already, there is still time to sign up to win a free signed copy of Time Heist. Click HERE to do so. It takes practically no time and hey, you could win a free book which doubles really well as a coaster or paperweight. How’s that for multi-functionality.

Time Heist is sort of an accidental baby. It hadn’t been something I set out to do, but hey, I have it now, so might as well love it and try to keep it out of trouble. I learned that parenting technique from my Dad, by the way.

About two years ago, around Christmas, I was writing for my blog WeaklyShortStories, and put down 2 or 3,000 words of what was then referred to as Time Snatch (yes, I know, terrible name. Get your giggles out now).

You done giggling? Okay, good. Let’s carry on.

Time Snatch was my first time serializing a short story. I added to the story 3,000 words at a time, three or four times a week, not really sure where I was going with the whole thing. I had a couple ideas I wanted to explore, and some interesting scenes I wanted to write, but beyond that I didn’t have much in the way of a plot, or story. For me, the purpose of that blog, and Time Snatch, was to put work out there, perfect my process, and learn how to write myself into and out of corners.

At the end of that month, Time Snatch was floating around 30,000 words, which was surprising to me at the time ’cause I’d only meant to throw down about 10,000 words worth of ink. But the fans kept commenting, wanting more, and I’m a glutton for giving the people what they want… and I mean anyt–.


Well, a lot of readers reached out after that initial blitz asking if I would consider flushing Time Snatch out into a full novel. At the time I was working on my Gods and Children series, but there was something about that world that was yet unformed, aka:I needed to put it aside and let it gestate.

Time Snatch was 1/3 of the way to novel length anyways, so it seemed an easy stretch just to fill it out and make it awesome.

Well, that’s easier said than done. Whereas before I was writing off the cuff, now I felt as though to tell the story the way it deserved to be told, I needed to flush out some concepts.

The more I flushed, the more I found lurking beneath the surface. Somewhere along the way something very interesting happened and I saw a way to connect Time Snatch to my Gods and Children series and presto! Things started made sense. Those niggling doubts about Gods and Children vanished and I had this world simply appear in my skull as if out of the ether (in reality it’d been percolating for quite a bit and was getting a bit burnt).

Through that process The Firstborn Saga was created, which for those of you who don’t know is a trilogy of trilogies. Each trilogy takes place in the same world through the eyes of different characters, with Time Heist (the much betterly named version of Time Snatch) being book one.

Each trilogy will be supplemented with novellas and short stories (which you can keep up to date on by visiting OneLazyRobot.com), with the first Novella, Infinity Lost, which can be thought of as Book 1.5 coming out sometime in early February.

Book Two, Mind Breach, will likely be out in early March, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

Okay, so for those of you with short attention spans here’s the tl:dr version: magic.

Want to learn more about The Firstborn Saga? Sign-up for my NEWSLETTER and you’ll also get a FREE story. Also, for those who don’t know, you can get a FREE story by leaving a review on Amazon of any OneLazyRobot book. Click HERE to see the library.

Click on the pic to get your copy of Time Heist.

Click on the pic to get your copy of Time Heist.


Everybody Loves a Year In Review, Right?

Everybody Loves a Year In Review, Right?

Here we go, a tag-team follow up on yesterdays post pertaining to Goals and Dream Killing. Hopefully you’ve had some time to gestate on the year currently bidding us adieu, and the one about to kick down the door with size 2015 boots.

Next week I’m gonna sit down and lay out my goals for 2015, but before we do that, let’s take a moment and dissect the last year and it’s goals.

At the start of 2014 I was in a weird place in my life, emotionally and physically (I’d just moved out of my van which I’d called home for a couple months). I’d been consistently writing on average 1,000 words a day for the past few years, and while that was great practice and helping me churn out a lot of material, it wasn’t enough.

Not for me atleast. I had all these ideas simmering, so many stories to be written, and not enough time to get them all out of my skull. So the first goal I set for myself was to make more time. Working a full-time job limited the ways I was free to do this, but by setting the goal to wake up every morning at 4:45, I was able to loosen up a couple hours of undisturbed writing time before work. That, in addition to keeping my evening writing session, equalled a metric shit-ton of words for the year.

But would it be enough to hit the goal of 1 million words for the year, aka around 3,00 words a day? Well, things started off strong. Didn’t miss a single day of writing up until June and then BAM! Just as Time Heist was nearing the final phases of production, I hit a wall. I lost my confidence and wholly decided the whole thing was a lesson in futility.

I stopped writing. Didn’t put a word onto the paper between June 1st and August 1st. I kept telling myself, take a day off, it’s okay. You’ll get back to it tomorrow. Then tomorrow came and I’d say, ehh, what’s another day gonna hurt?

It’s that sort of thinking that derails us. If you give yourself too much leeway, too much rope, you’ll find a way to get it twisted around your neck all stupid like. Writing by nature is a solitary act, and nobody is gonna make you do it. Nobody will throw your ass in the chair and say, type word-monkey type!

Trust me, I wish they would. But they won’t. So you got to be your own worst boss. You have to make yourself do the things you don’t always want to do.That’s hard.

On August 1st I said, enough. I’m not a writer if I’m not writing, it’s simple logic. If i want to be a writer, I must write.

logic aliens

So I did. I sat down: ignoring the fact that I was 60 days behind my goal of a million words for the year: ignored the fact that Time Heist was three months behind schedule for its release: and I started writing.

I’m proud to announce I haven’t missed a day since. And that’s the thing about goals, routine, and schedule. You make it part of your habit, and you find a way to get it done. It’s that simple. If you make excuses, you’re hurting nobody but yourself, so knock that shit off.

Okay, with less than a week until the New Year, where do I stand on my writing goal? Am I gonna make a million words?

Oh yeah, I did that awhile back, actually. Currently I’m sitting at about 1.5 million words written for the year. Which if you take into account the 60 days of writing I missed, equals just shy of 5,000 words written every single day.

Are all those words any good? Meh… probably not. But that’s okay, ’cause I didn’t set out to write a million good words, that’s not really something within my control. As artists we are pretty poor judges of our own work, so who’s to say what is good and bad. I just treat them all like red-headed step-children and assume the words hate my filthy guts, which I’m okay with.

So, I hit that goal, but I whiffed pretty bad on some others. I’d set out to publish Time Heist, Infinity Lost, Mind Breach, and a whole slew of short stories/novellas by the end of the year.

In the end I got Time Heist, Parallel, Sins of the Father, and Standing Kill Orderlies out there.

Parallel - High Resolution Correction orderlies_finalTime Heist

Not bad, but it wasn’t what I set out to do. Does that mean I failed? Sure, you could say it like that, but you’d be a dick.

No, I’m just kidding. We do ourselves a disservice by ignoring our failures. Sweeping them under the rug and pretending they never happened, or that it didn’t matter cause we didn’t really really try (whatever that means).

I missed my publishing goal for the year, I admit that. But I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. Nothing productive would come from that. Instead I have to pivot, adapt, and try again.

The last goal I set for myself was to read 100 books this year. I read a lot, so this is actually a fun goal for me ’cause I know I’m reasonably assured to hit it each year. This is one of those obtainable goals that are great fun to check off.

As of today, with a week remaining in the year, I’ve read 110 books. I’ll post up that list in a couple days with some thoughts and opinions on which books got my juices pumping and which ones made me want to gouge my eyeballs out with unsharpened pencils.

Okay, this turned into a blather-fest, but now it’s your turn. What sorts of goals did you set for yourself this past year? Did you hit them? Miss them? Get down to the comments and celebrate your successes AND your failures!


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